What do i want?

I have been searching for many answers. 
But specifically, how to be successful?  Has been a focus.  (I wasn't even aware, i had such a focus, on this question). 

But, yeah, what's success? 

Popularity, (acceptance by large number of people, that you are successful)...
Money (lots of resources),
Few close relationships, where others worship you...
Things and people named after you (proof that you have contributed to world)..

Many more things, i guess.

But, i have been focused on finding answers to these above..   My focus on studies, at profession/work, interaction with others, everywhere, this focus often distracted me.

It also did a good thing, along with time (years), it also distracted me from trying to go after success..  As i was more interested in finding out what success is (maybe as a theory).

So, i tried many ways, and more unconventional ways as time passed.  But it was tough, no answers were forthcoming.

I lost faith in conventional wisdom.  Stopped listening to others, played devils advocate with anything i read.. My popularity tanked (whatever small bit i had).  My career, personal life, intelligence, physical abilities, middle class childhood advantages (compared to majority of Indians, i was less poor)... All seemed to go down..  I was becoming a failure in society.

In middle class, you are taught one thing repeatedly...  Success is moving up in your economic class, thus moving up in social class as well. 
Failure is, moving down..  If i am going down the base (economic class) i have been provided by my family, then its a big failure indeed.

Fortunately, in my focus to find my answers, i began to neglect this above middle-class wisdom.   (Even before i started a gypsy lifestyle, i had been an edgy rebel... Which i guess most people who know me will agree with).  Its not a compliment, not something positive for most people.. Being edgy rebel is kinda being stupid. 

And as i neglected, how to be successful, gradually i realized that it doesn't matter..
 I dont have to know how to be successful. 
I don't have to find any answers..  I don't have to pigeon hole myself into any labels, or categories. 

Earlier too, since many years earlier, i have been living an unconventional life.. But without much awareness of why's and how's. 

I still have no answers, but the questions have gone.  Neglecting the conditionalities, of how to be successful, made those  questions go.   At least, that's what i have understood now. 

I a twisted way, my middle class conditioning also proved to be its own remedy (for me, in my opinion).

Maybe you understood..  Maybe not..  But i had to try and share these awareness...